David Cockney is a fictitious character, invented by Alan Dedman. Cockney is a little known artist ‘what works out of London’s East end’ – sporting a frankness bordering on the downright rude and a manner in the realms of crudity – in spite of the fact he bangs on about nudity!

David Cockney by alan dedman
It’s bollocks!

David Cockney is an erstwhile chap who believes in the power of ‘really real Art’ and will have none of this ‘conceptual codswswallop’. He thinks people should be able to draw and paint ‘like what Carravaggio did’ and thinks anything else is a ‘fucking waste of time‘. David Cockney wholly believes in Classical values, all Art students should be made to draw from the nude, if not from ‘photo-reference’, at the very least.

David Cockney and photo reference
‘You have to use photo-reference occasionally’

He thinks Tracy Emin’s bed is ‘a bleedin’ piss-take’ and she ‘couldn’t draw her way out of a paper bag, let alone teach someone else to’ – when asked to comment on Emin’s ‘professorial’ role at the Royle Academy Schools. David Cockney frequents the (now almost lost to posterity) London boozer, where apart from good, old fashioned Ale – he enjoys’Escargots de Mare ‘ (Whelks) but it sounds much better if said with a French accent.

whelks with david cockney alan dedman
Escargots de Mare

Cockney grew up in London’s East End, within the sound of Beau Geste, erm ….. Bow Bells! and because of that is a true Cockney. He takes offence at ‘him up North’ (that geezer who thinks he’s a bit clever, gets too much of the Limehouse, erm ….. Limelight, and puts on a Northern accent to make himself sound down to earth and working class etc when in fact he smokes posh fags!!).

Cockney claps pic thereof alan dedman
Smoking can even cure the Clap

David Hockney has been noted for saying he believes smoking can cure Coronavirus but David Cockney is irate at the fact this Northern ‘imposteur’ attempts to steal his thunder! Fags are the cure! says Cockney. Get smoking as many cigarettes a day as you can! and after that, get on the Bong ….. er, PIPE! and fill your lungs with Clan Dew?? The fact YouTube put a black window over Cockney’s video about the merits of tobacco v Coronavirus says it all really. And ‘what about the Africans? Why isn’t anyone worried about them lot getting Covid?’ says DC. Good point.