David Cockney was born within the sound of Bow bells and passionately believes Bromley (by-Bow) is where it’s at – not Bradford. His father wanted him to become a brain surgeon – he rebelled, saying he wished to study Fine Art. His dad said ‘People who attend Art college are a bunch of effete, middle-class wankers, of no bloody use at all’.
Not to be put off, David ‘stuck to his guns’ – teaching himself the rudiments of drawing using books and pornography (for life-studies). In the meantime he earned a crust, working as a brick-layer in East London. Cockney enjoys traditional vices: drinking and smoking come naturally to him, as do jellied eels. His favourite drink is a light and bitter (Shite and Squitter) and he ‘will have none of that poncey gin and tonic bollocks’.
His local pub, The Crown and Thistle, is run by a big chap called Bert, known as ‘Ginge’ because of his hair colour. Bert enjoys a sing along and likes shell-fish. The Crown and Thistle has it’s very own fish stall outside, run by ‘Fishy George’. Bert’s favourite tipple is a pot of whelks – which he has been known to describe as being ‘handsome’.
Cockney likes his fags, or ‘Harry Wraggs’ to use the vernacular and thinks the snout ‘him up North’ is partial to – is ridiculously expensive, a packet of Super Kings will ‘do fine’. David Cockney believes cigarettes can cure all sorts of ailments including Cholera, Erectile Dysfunction, Measles and the Clap – though whether Coronavirus can actually be ‘scorched from the lungs’ is a moot point.
David Cockney insists that really real realism – is far superior to ‘any of that conceptual Art bollocks we are currently plagued with’ – accusing Tracey Muffin of outright cynicism for failing to make her own bed (and lie in it). He says littering a tableaux with the detritus of hedonism such as used condoms, tarnished thongs, vodka bottles etc – is a cheap trick, especially the morning after the night after the morning before.
He suggests Van Gogh ‘could at least make a fair painting of his bed, whereas all Muffin can do is chuck a dirty old pair of knickers on the floor’. However, Cockney acknowledges the placing of such objects can become ‘an act of genius, in and of itself’ balancing his appraisal with the concluding remark: ‘leave yer drawers on the floor – stick to realism love’. David Cockney will be giving online seminars in drawing and painting over the coming months. Watch this space for:- ‘Life drawing with David Cockney’. You know it makes sense.
David Cockney is a fictitious character, created by Alan Dedman.
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