The Compleat Wanker’s Guide to the M25 (and other highways), is a rant about our addiction to cars and driving. With Cockney eloquence, David vents his spleen while stuck in traffic on the M25, Britain’s busiest road.
Also known as the London Orbital, you can’t make a brief journey on this motorway without coming to a grinding halt at some point.
The power and money in cars becomes impotent in the face of: debris, pedestrians, road works, too much traffic and of course, some compleat wanker what cattled his bloater in the fast lane.
David Cockney bewails the idiocy of motor transport during the post-modern era, blaming Jae Joplin of White Pube Gallery for persuading him to get a jam-jar, instead of his usual bicycle.
The Compleat Wanker’s Guide to the M25 deplores the vanity of ‘SUVs’, suggesting the acronym stands for ‘Stupid, Ugly, Vehicle’. David Cockney asks why SUVs need to be so large, raising the question: is it because cars are getting bigger, that humans are? or vice versa?
The SUV is an emblem of capitalistic greed and arrogance compared to Cockney’s modest Ford Prefect, made in Dagenham.
Cockney notes: the compleat wanker what cattled his bloater, still tries to remain in control via his dog and bone. David exclaims this modern nimby is fortunate to ‘have a hard shoulder to cry on’ due to the fact ‘we’re all so smart now, we don’t sausage and mash anymore’. Smart motorways, innit?
The accident delaying his journey to the Fentiman Arms was caused by a relatively new law requiring motorists to move out of the middle lane, no longer able to ‘sit there having a Harry Wragg‘ at their leisure.
Cockney’s observation ‘some compleat wanker‘ was responsible for planning motorway services on one side at Cobham, is a much voiced complaint pertaining to the London orbital.
The Compleat Wanker’s Guide to the M25 (and other highways) satirizes Brits wasting their lives ‘getting there’; imprisoned in capsules of pressed steel, plastic and glass – which they pay a fortune for. And they call it civilisation!
Pic of cattled bloater by Ljuba
Pic of Ford Prefect, Wikicommons
Pic of the Fentiman Arms and Triumph Spitfire by Alan Dedman
Thanks to:
the Hillside Hill-billys.
Rob Perry Salvage, Bristol.
Darran at Escort Tec, Horsham, West Sussex.
Fionn Rawnsley.
Froggy parlance used to get around ‘naughty’ uploads
(branleur/wankeur) etc etc.