David Cockney asserts: “Smoking cures Coronavirus”. Controversially, Cockney is of the opinion that smoking cigarettes could provide people with a defence against Coronavirus, a stance he backs up by citing data from the outbreak in China which points to fewer smokers being admitted to hospital for COVID-19 treatment and Gonorrhea.

For many years now, the celebrated artist from London’s East End has insisted that “Fucking fags is the answer to many health problems“. Including: Rickets, Erectile Dysfunction, Measles, Whooping Cough, Tinnitus, Influenza and the Clap – et al.

Smoking cures Coronavirus syas David Hockney Alan Dedman
An Immune system!

“Smokers have developed an immune system to this fucking virus,” Cockney wrote. “With all these numbers coming out, it’s beginning to look like that to me. I’m fucking serious!!” Additionally, the artist weighed in on his own mortality. “I’ve smoked for more than 60 fucking years, and I’m extremely healthy for an old git,” Cockney added. “How much longer do I have? I’m going to die of either: a fucking smoking-related illness or a non-fucking smoking-related illness,” Cockney wrote. “Harry Rags is good for you”.

Smoking cures Coronavirus Alan Dedman
Smoking cures Coronavirus

Smoking cures Coronavirus – according to David Cockney. While this particular type of nihilism is certainly entertaining coming from one of the most celebrated artists in the East End, Cockney’s theory that smokers are less likely to get Coronavirus is plausible if not downright fucking realistic. “Anyone who thinks otherwise is obviously a compleat twat and a wanker” Cockney said.
“Get on the Harry Rags, it makes sense!”

Smoking does NOT harm your elf! David Cockney Alan Dedman
It does NOT harm your elf!

It is possible Cockney nicked his theory from rumours that nicotine has the ability to “downregulate” the enzyme that binds COVID-19 to humans and weasels, which has been getting a decent amount of circulation on Twatter. It’s a theory that has some scientific basis, particularly in the face of the mounting evidence that smoking increases the risk of fags being smoked.

Cure for Coronavirus by David Cockney Alan Dedman
Gives you ‘arf a chance …..

Right now, it’s important to practice common sense and remember that cigarettes can be really, really good for you – curing all sorts of ailments such as erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.  Until the world knows enough about Coronavirus in order to develop a vaccine, it’s probably best to assume that ‘Smoking might give you ‘arf a chance’ – to quote David Cockney.

(from the SnOb-server, with edits for better and more colourful English by Alan Dedman)

WARNING this text contains expletives – soon to be banned under new government guidelines along with: chocolate, alcohol, whistling in public, breaking wind, not wearing a balaclava, comics, testosterone and beer mats.